Oh tell me the truth about love!

[london1967]

The week-end wasn't a completely joyous affair.

On Sunday we received the visit of one of our gay neighbours/friends just before he loaded his stuff in Lynne's car and moved away.
And with that act, a long relationship (15 years) was over.

He was very stressed and said that he still loved his other half but that he had decided to move out. Oh, we are going to miss him!
In the next few days, we should see his partner too: it's going to be probably even harder for him, especially as he's on his own in what was their house.

We have also learned today that two of Adrian's oldest friends (another gay couple) have split and one of them moved out yesterday. They had been together for over 23 years. Again, the guy that left said that he still loved his partner but wanted more independence.

It's all very sad. And it's upsetting to think that you may still love someone but not being able to share your life with them.

Comments

Re: As they say in the movies...

[london1967.livejournal.com]

Or "If I tell you, I'll have to kill you"!

[rexsteed.livejournal.com]

There must have been something in the the air this weekend.... I read this post with tears in my eyes, as I too was questioning my 12 year relationship. I too, wanted my independence... however, we did talk things through and our basic need for each other seems to be winning.

[london1967.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear that, but I'm really glad you talked things through!

[tilia-tomentosa.livejournal.com]

Still loving somebody but wanting more independence is something new to me. I'm used to straight people getting divorced because they can no longer stand each other (or worse situations).

[london1967.livejournal.com]

I always wonder how it happens.
Whether one just wakes up one morning loathing their partner or if it is a gradual process.

[tilia-tomentosa.livejournal.com]

Definitely a gradual process. A slow accumulation of disappointment... until it reaches the critical mass. And sometimes no one is really "bad"; the spouses are just badly matched and realize it too late. And there are those desperate efforts to preserve the marriage "for the children" that only make things worse.

[london1967.livejournal.com]

It's a real shame that sometimes people realise it when it's too late :-(

[tilia-tomentosa.livejournal.com]

It was very typical of my generation and older generations in Bulgaria: having children too soon, and then trying to preserve the marriage for their sake. And people used to get married very young, which didn't help either.

[querrelle.livejournal.com]

Do you think 'wanting more independence' here is a euphemism for 'wanting to shag other people'? Or is it something like wanting to choose a different decor or holiday destination without having to negotiate?

With the exception of the potential complexities of negotiating sexual openness, it's hard for me to understand that some people cannot claim as much independence as they need within a pre-existing relationship.

[london1967.livejournal.com]

I don't thing it was about shagging for either of them (although in some cases it might be).

One of our friends wanted his own place, to pay his own bills, etc.

I do agree with you: when you have been in a relationship for a long time you should be able to talk about everything and find ways of realising your aspirations without having to break up.

[rexsteed.livejournal.com]

It's realizing wow, there's more to the world than just seeing things from their perspective. It's enjoying other points of view (on trips, on outings, etc). And with, it's being able to choose whose viewpoint you wish to enjoy for which outing.

In other words, you sart hearing the same opinions and those bring you down, you WILL look elsewhere for company.

[london1967.livejournal.com]

I understand what you're saying, and it's very good insight.

[scream4noreason.livejournal.com]

Welcome to my world.

[london1967.livejournal.com]

I don't like it! It's too hot! ;-)

[changeling72.livejournal.com]

It's sad when relationships break up after such a long time. I know someone who recently ended their relationship after 22 years. I guess if it's not what you want then there's no point in continuing for the sake of it. Still sad, though.

[london1967.livejournal.com]

I totally agree, although I often amazed (and sad) when people break up after so many years.

[notdefined.livejournal.com]

Ask Morgan about what I did to him in 2002. Sometimes relationships become stale and no matter what we try there seems to be no alternative but to abandon them. Thankfully, I came to my senses and after some intense soul searching on both of our parts, we were able to mend, then cement our relationship. Sometimes it takes drastic action to force our eyes open to what the real problems are in a relationship, both individually and collectively.

[london1967.livejournal.com]

I'm really glad that you mended things!

[notdefined.livejournal.com]

I am as well. As painful as it was for him and for me, we are better for it. That said, I would not care to repeat it ever!

[london1967.livejournal.com]

Yes they are always upsetting!

[gyr8or.livejournal.com]

That saddens me so much. I don't get the 'I still love you but I want my independence' angle. Odd. Unfortunately, when you lose a couple who are friends, in our experience you loose both of them, one will invariably move away, and the other will distance themselves because they aren't comfortable with their 'couple friends'.

Cheers!

[london1967.livejournal.com]

You're right, it's always quite a challenge to keep friends with both.

[saintcahier.livejournal.com]

On a more cynical note, isn't advisable to wait until Spring to end a relationship ?

[london1967.livejournal.com]

As it's the season of love? lol!

[paterson-si.livejournal.com]

If you really love someone, you can work out those independent issues in the first fiew years, I'd say. Later on it's just an excuse, methinks.

[london1967.livejournal.com]

I would hope so, unless of course people change over the years.

[gorkabear.livejournal.com]

These things happen all the time... It's a pity, though :(

[london1967.livejournal.com]

It sure is!

[gorkabear.livejournal.com]

I forgot to metion: My own parents divorced after 26 years of marriage, so I think this happens everywhere.